Does a three-room bnb — remote, tucked into the trees, perched high on the banks of wild, super-clean and salmon-filled river — really need rules? Rules?! The word alone makes it sound like I’m running a frat house or an all you can eat buffet!

You might be thinking, what am I getting into?

Lemme back up a bit, qualify the nomenclature, and offer a different spin.

Isn’t nice to know no one will be smoking cigarettes or cigars at the bnb? Doesn’t it calm your concerns of cleanliness to know that everyone in the hot tub has already showered? Doesn’t 9pm seem like a good time to quiet down? That nobody besides guests are going to be on the property? Or that we all leave our street shoes at the door and opt for slippers, socks or bare feet inside the house?

I like to think we have standards at the bnb, not rules.

And most folks appreciate it.

Clean house. Clean hot tub. Never the smell of smoke (unless I mess up and burn the bacon). Calm as we move into night. A good night’s sleep for all.

Yay!

** Oh, and a few other requests:

Children 12 and older are considered in the downstairs room only.

Sorry but no pets in the house or on the property.

No cooking appliances or stoves permitted in any rooms.

Please, no candles anywhere in the house, by the hot tub or on the property.

No CD players or recorded music by the hot tub.

No outside visitors are allowed in the house or on the property.

And just to emphasize, the house is a 100 percent smoke-free property. No smoking of any kind in the house or anywhere on the property.